Food for thought : On Christian Parenting
Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged."--Colossians 3:21
1. Never argue with your children. Your arguing means they win. Does your boss argue with you? Why not?
2. Always stay calm when talking with your children to teach your children to cope with problems. Anyone can teach your children anger, whining, blaming, and damning. Let someone else model the wrong way for your children to respond to adversity.
3. Give your children equal doses of love and discipline: not just one or the other. If you got too much or too little of one or the other--do not then blindly do either the same or the opposite as most parents wind up doing. Instead, do both equally well.
4. Your job is to help your children find direction and self-control. Yes, it is even okay and a good idea to purposely frustrate your children--if your intention is to then help them to learn to problem-solve and cope with that frustration.
5. Motivate your children with life missions and-or service to God. Stop using ego (pride or shame), money (presents), or pleasures.
6. Don't don't. Use positive scripts, directions, expectations. Don'ts put the wrong idea into their heads NOT the right one. Dont's also can induce rebellious attitudes
7. Teach boundaries (individuation, separation, space) and reciprocity (ask-ask, give/take, want-for-want).
8. Teach your children emotional responsibility (ER). This empowers your children and ends the blame game.
=============================================================
I grew up with my mother always trying to shame me, attacking my ego and hurting me with cutting words. She would take expensive gifts given to me by my dad's colleagues to give to my richer cousins because her theory is that my uncles and aunties buy me lots of expensive things but from a kid's pov, it hurt. It wasn't that I was selfish but I could not understand why my mother would take something I found precious away from me. I used to envy my friends whose mum would cane them but sayang them afterwards... my mum used to cane me and add salt to the wound by telling every one of her siblings and cousins and any relatives that she could how bad I was. It was as if she was trying to use that to make me good. But all it did was hurt me deeper and deeper.
I have always loved my mum despite all that but she presses buttons in me that causes great depression and hurt and frustration. Something I hope never to happen btw me and my kids.
Till this day, she still opens my letters to read, digs through my private belongings and takes my things to give others without asking first because she feels that she has that right as I am staying in HER house and living uner HER rule. She tells me I am fat and tells me how I look bad. She never fails to make me feel bad about myself.
Never once has she praised me or made me feel proud of anything I've done.
The hurt keeps piling up higher and higher... even on Christmas Eve, she has successfully dampened all my cheer.
I stayed up late last night wrapping gifts and making personalised gift tags for them and writing words of blessings for people I care for & she not only kept coming out to scold me, she'd tell me... Just anyhow wrap can already right? And I overheard her telling my Aunt I was so childish like a kid making art and craft late at night. I took pride at making special tags for everyone and letting them know I care. I even made one for her despite being so sleepy. Maybe it is her way of showing concern but there is no kindness in her words or her ways. Just hurt.
She always complains that I dun respect her despite all my aunts feeling it is amazing how I've turned out so well despite the way she puts me down. I have always told my Mum respect is a 2 way thing and that I want to respect her but she has given me no reason to except for demands that I do. I want to honour my mother but she makes it so hard... so very hard.
I love my Mum. Despite all these hurts, I do love her.... but loving her is also very painful... it feels like a cross I have to bear than a relationship I find joy in.
I really hope for her to be less hurtful, to be more giving, to be less imbued in superstitions and to be more Christ-like.... but it always feels so impossible.
Till this day I cannot believe how she put down my friends who had travelled for hours and spent lots of precious money that they can ill afford to come visit us and to bring their kid to play with Kae. Like me, they had a kid out of wedlock but got married before the child wa born. They have a second kid and are excellent parents despite their youth. And to save money, they hardly have hair cuts and when they did, they trimmed each others hair and their kids' too.
I was ashamed when my Mum came home early one day and in a pretty audible tone, she said "What did I tell U about inviting such people here? They cannot afford condo lifestyle and live in HDB flat so come here to xiang shou it is it? Cannot go public pool ah? Think what? I am a charity is it? Come here and use my water and waste my electricity."
I was so hurt by her ways. I felt she could have voiced it after people had gone home not when they were there. And I had Dad's permission. Kae and their eldest son are good friends n play very well together btw.
I was so upset I went out for dinner with them and hauled kae along. Dad was out with my aunt.
Later on, my aunt told me my Mum had grumbled to her and another aunt about it too.
" P ah... these kind of people ah so poor so come here and leech on other people's wealth ah... then the guy got long hair dunno what kind of character and the girl smokes (Amanda had quit already btw for a year plus but she based it on her smoking previously)... dunno what kind of character they have. Everytime go and mix with this kind of people. Then come and waste my water and electricity."
My aunt was saying that lucky the 2 of them (my 2 aunts) are not the sensitive sort... because they too were so called HDB flat residents who come to swim every week (once or twice) & my some of my older cousins smoke... and one used to spot long hair too. If they were sensitive they would have taken offence because they'd suspect that my Mum told people the same thing about them.
That is my Mum for you... she can never seem to say words of kindness to people. When she shoots her mouth off it is always bad things... curses in the form of superstition, bad things about other people... stinginess and then pretending to be nice about it but grumbling about others behind their backs or worse, in front of them!
I am trying so hard to be less depressed and to try to talk to her... but staying at home around her makes me so blue and so full of rage and anger... I just blow up at her because she always pushes the right trigger to upset me and then tells everyone I am mad dunno why everytime talk to her she cries or is so rude... when she is blind to the hurt she piles on top of me day after day, with each conversation...
Dear God, Jesus, Holy Spirit please help me to forgive my Mother and to heal... to learn that there are things that I can change and there are those that I cannot... and to learn the difference and how to conduct myself when placed in situations which cannot change. Help me to grow in patience and love and to let go. To learn how to close my ears and my heart to hurtful words and deeds. To learn how to seek solace in your Words and your Ways if I am hurt instead of hurting someone back. Lord, when I am weary, whisper in my heart words of kindness and encouragement so I won't be weak. Lord help me to control my temper which has seem to grown shorter these days around Mum. Help me Lord... I confess to You and my brothers and sisters in Christ who read this that I have been rude to my Mum but because many a times I feel provoked. I know that that is still wrong as 2 wrongs don't make a right. Please help me Lord. Only you can because nothing is impossible through YOU! Your Salvation has freed me from all this darkness and pain. I reject the hurt my Mum causes my family members and friends and myself through Your most precious name. I claim YOUR victory over her character and my temper through YOU! AMEN!.
1. Never argue with your children. Your arguing means they win. Does your boss argue with you? Why not?
2. Always stay calm when talking with your children to teach your children to cope with problems. Anyone can teach your children anger, whining, blaming, and damning. Let someone else model the wrong way for your children to respond to adversity.
3. Give your children equal doses of love and discipline: not just one or the other. If you got too much or too little of one or the other--do not then blindly do either the same or the opposite as most parents wind up doing. Instead, do both equally well.
4. Your job is to help your children find direction and self-control. Yes, it is even okay and a good idea to purposely frustrate your children--if your intention is to then help them to learn to problem-solve and cope with that frustration.
5. Motivate your children with life missions and-or service to God. Stop using ego (pride or shame), money (presents), or pleasures.
6. Don't don't. Use positive scripts, directions, expectations. Don'ts put the wrong idea into their heads NOT the right one. Dont's also can induce rebellious attitudes
7. Teach boundaries (individuation, separation, space) and reciprocity (ask-ask, give/take, want-for-want).
8. Teach your children emotional responsibility (ER). This empowers your children and ends the blame game.
=============================================================
I grew up with my mother always trying to shame me, attacking my ego and hurting me with cutting words. She would take expensive gifts given to me by my dad's colleagues to give to my richer cousins because her theory is that my uncles and aunties buy me lots of expensive things but from a kid's pov, it hurt. It wasn't that I was selfish but I could not understand why my mother would take something I found precious away from me. I used to envy my friends whose mum would cane them but sayang them afterwards... my mum used to cane me and add salt to the wound by telling every one of her siblings and cousins and any relatives that she could how bad I was. It was as if she was trying to use that to make me good. But all it did was hurt me deeper and deeper.
I have always loved my mum despite all that but she presses buttons in me that causes great depression and hurt and frustration. Something I hope never to happen btw me and my kids.
Till this day, she still opens my letters to read, digs through my private belongings and takes my things to give others without asking first because she feels that she has that right as I am staying in HER house and living uner HER rule. She tells me I am fat and tells me how I look bad. She never fails to make me feel bad about myself.
Never once has she praised me or made me feel proud of anything I've done.
The hurt keeps piling up higher and higher... even on Christmas Eve, she has successfully dampened all my cheer.
I stayed up late last night wrapping gifts and making personalised gift tags for them and writing words of blessings for people I care for & she not only kept coming out to scold me, she'd tell me... Just anyhow wrap can already right? And I overheard her telling my Aunt I was so childish like a kid making art and craft late at night. I took pride at making special tags for everyone and letting them know I care. I even made one for her despite being so sleepy. Maybe it is her way of showing concern but there is no kindness in her words or her ways. Just hurt.
She always complains that I dun respect her despite all my aunts feeling it is amazing how I've turned out so well despite the way she puts me down. I have always told my Mum respect is a 2 way thing and that I want to respect her but she has given me no reason to except for demands that I do. I want to honour my mother but she makes it so hard... so very hard.
I love my Mum. Despite all these hurts, I do love her.... but loving her is also very painful... it feels like a cross I have to bear than a relationship I find joy in.
I really hope for her to be less hurtful, to be more giving, to be less imbued in superstitions and to be more Christ-like.... but it always feels so impossible.
Till this day I cannot believe how she put down my friends who had travelled for hours and spent lots of precious money that they can ill afford to come visit us and to bring their kid to play with Kae. Like me, they had a kid out of wedlock but got married before the child wa born. They have a second kid and are excellent parents despite their youth. And to save money, they hardly have hair cuts and when they did, they trimmed each others hair and their kids' too.
I was ashamed when my Mum came home early one day and in a pretty audible tone, she said "What did I tell U about inviting such people here? They cannot afford condo lifestyle and live in HDB flat so come here to xiang shou it is it? Cannot go public pool ah? Think what? I am a charity is it? Come here and use my water and waste my electricity."
I was so hurt by her ways. I felt she could have voiced it after people had gone home not when they were there. And I had Dad's permission. Kae and their eldest son are good friends n play very well together btw.
I was so upset I went out for dinner with them and hauled kae along. Dad was out with my aunt.
Later on, my aunt told me my Mum had grumbled to her and another aunt about it too.
" P ah... these kind of people ah so poor so come here and leech on other people's wealth ah... then the guy got long hair dunno what kind of character and the girl smokes (Amanda had quit already btw for a year plus but she based it on her smoking previously)... dunno what kind of character they have. Everytime go and mix with this kind of people. Then come and waste my water and electricity."
My aunt was saying that lucky the 2 of them (my 2 aunts) are not the sensitive sort... because they too were so called HDB flat residents who come to swim every week (once or twice) & my some of my older cousins smoke... and one used to spot long hair too. If they were sensitive they would have taken offence because they'd suspect that my Mum told people the same thing about them.
That is my Mum for you... she can never seem to say words of kindness to people. When she shoots her mouth off it is always bad things... curses in the form of superstition, bad things about other people... stinginess and then pretending to be nice about it but grumbling about others behind their backs or worse, in front of them!
I am trying so hard to be less depressed and to try to talk to her... but staying at home around her makes me so blue and so full of rage and anger... I just blow up at her because she always pushes the right trigger to upset me and then tells everyone I am mad dunno why everytime talk to her she cries or is so rude... when she is blind to the hurt she piles on top of me day after day, with each conversation...
Dear God, Jesus, Holy Spirit please help me to forgive my Mother and to heal... to learn that there are things that I can change and there are those that I cannot... and to learn the difference and how to conduct myself when placed in situations which cannot change. Help me to grow in patience and love and to let go. To learn how to close my ears and my heart to hurtful words and deeds. To learn how to seek solace in your Words and your Ways if I am hurt instead of hurting someone back. Lord, when I am weary, whisper in my heart words of kindness and encouragement so I won't be weak. Lord help me to control my temper which has seem to grown shorter these days around Mum. Help me Lord... I confess to You and my brothers and sisters in Christ who read this that I have been rude to my Mum but because many a times I feel provoked. I know that that is still wrong as 2 wrongs don't make a right. Please help me Lord. Only you can because nothing is impossible through YOU! Your Salvation has freed me from all this darkness and pain. I reject the hurt my Mum causes my family members and friends and myself through Your most precious name. I claim YOUR victory over her character and my temper through YOU! AMEN!.
posted by As The Deer at 12/24/2005 02:15:00 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home