If only parenting came with an Instruction Booklet...
Alas all kids are different but the love of a parent should remain the same - unconditional, ready to forgive, ready to understand and discipline not out of anger but out of love.
As a child, I used to visualise my mother as an evil step mother who was pretending to be my mother. I guess you might say that we never really got off on the right foot.
But I did love her very much and I still do... Itz just that no matter what I did to try to please her, it would backfire.
My first mother's day gift to her - a cheap plastic Carnation (eh Primary 1 what else can you afford with the meagre allowance?? lol) that I had saved up to buy for her, was met with disdain. "Why you waste money? You think this flower is you buy one meh? I paid for it. Next time don't waste money to buy this kind of thing." So for her birthday, I learned my lesson. I made her a card... this time I was rebuked for wasting time and not putting in effort in my studies.
I wrote her poems but she told me I wrote rubbish.
I tried to tell her jokes to make her smile or laugh... she said she had no time for me.
We never really had bad memories only... there was once when we made craftwork together. I was much younger then. She brought me for my organ lessons and she would teach me how to make bubbles.
Then, one day, she changed... and some alien came and took over her body and has stayed eversince.
But sometimes, a glimpse of my mother of the past would appear.
One day, she came and cried in my room. She told me that she had received a mean email from a superior. I read it and thought it was just a comment... nothing mean to it. I took out the hate mails I received from the popular girls... letters that showed her how I had been ostracised for 11 years in that damn convent school just because I did not like the same pop songs, I did not carry the branded things they coveted... for not being pretty or witty like they thought they were. And she kept quiet. She felt so sorry that I had to go through what I had. Why had I not told her she asked... because I did not want to add to her worries was my reply. For that brief moment, my mother felt like my mother, my sister... a friend.
That is my last joyful memory of her. Today, she is still angry and hurtful... she tells me I am fat and that it is a miracle anyone likes me. She tells me I am useless and that I am a lousy mother. She tells me many things... that I am not a good girlfriend to my other half (who told me that my mother was talking rot and that he loves me and that i am a wonderful gf to him). She tells me I am sinful and that my grandmother died because of my sins (I thought that Jesus did that... gran died of Colon Cancer.)
Why all this ranting and raving?
Because now that I am a mother I know it is not easy to be one.
I struggle with the worry of how to mould this young child into someone with promise, with joy and love and hope... and more importantly, Faith... in his heart.
I struggle everyday with worries of how I can ever afford for his living when he grows up... for his studies...
I struggle with the knowledge that one day, this child who adores me will one day hug me less and find it awkward to pepper my face with little kisses like he does now.
I struggle with the fear that he will one day wonder about his real dad again...
I struggle with the fear of how I should explain the birds and the bees to him...
I struggle with the fear that one day... I might be like my mother... a hard, angry person.
I struggle with the worry that illness or harm might fall upon him...
And I put all those fears in a little box, label them SILLY WORRIES and give them to the Lord.
I know that HE will take all of these curmpled little dreams and fears, wash them white as snow in his blood and iron them straight and right for me.
And now, I can enjoy the sunshine my son has brought into my life. The laughter and joy. Every hug and kiss, every night watching him sleep is worth the price of the journey of motherhood.
My key to trying to be a good parent?
"Fathers (I think it pts out to parents in general lah... I think my mum took it too literally that mothers were not included in this advice from the Bible), do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."
And that is what I will try to do every single day.
And if I am not a perfect mother? Well at least, my family will share the same perfect Father who makes it all right again by virtue of His grace
As a child, I used to visualise my mother as an evil step mother who was pretending to be my mother. I guess you might say that we never really got off on the right foot.
But I did love her very much and I still do... Itz just that no matter what I did to try to please her, it would backfire.
My first mother's day gift to her - a cheap plastic Carnation (eh Primary 1 what else can you afford with the meagre allowance?? lol) that I had saved up to buy for her, was met with disdain. "Why you waste money? You think this flower is you buy one meh? I paid for it. Next time don't waste money to buy this kind of thing." So for her birthday, I learned my lesson. I made her a card... this time I was rebuked for wasting time and not putting in effort in my studies.
I wrote her poems but she told me I wrote rubbish.
I tried to tell her jokes to make her smile or laugh... she said she had no time for me.
We never really had bad memories only... there was once when we made craftwork together. I was much younger then. She brought me for my organ lessons and she would teach me how to make bubbles.
Then, one day, she changed... and some alien came and took over her body and has stayed eversince.
But sometimes, a glimpse of my mother of the past would appear.
One day, she came and cried in my room. She told me that she had received a mean email from a superior. I read it and thought it was just a comment... nothing mean to it. I took out the hate mails I received from the popular girls... letters that showed her how I had been ostracised for 11 years in that damn convent school just because I did not like the same pop songs, I did not carry the branded things they coveted... for not being pretty or witty like they thought they were. And she kept quiet. She felt so sorry that I had to go through what I had. Why had I not told her she asked... because I did not want to add to her worries was my reply. For that brief moment, my mother felt like my mother, my sister... a friend.
That is my last joyful memory of her. Today, she is still angry and hurtful... she tells me I am fat and that it is a miracle anyone likes me. She tells me I am useless and that I am a lousy mother. She tells me many things... that I am not a good girlfriend to my other half (who told me that my mother was talking rot and that he loves me and that i am a wonderful gf to him). She tells me I am sinful and that my grandmother died because of my sins (I thought that Jesus did that... gran died of Colon Cancer.)
Why all this ranting and raving?
Because now that I am a mother I know it is not easy to be one.
I struggle with the worry of how to mould this young child into someone with promise, with joy and love and hope... and more importantly, Faith... in his heart.
I struggle everyday with worries of how I can ever afford for his living when he grows up... for his studies...
I struggle with the knowledge that one day, this child who adores me will one day hug me less and find it awkward to pepper my face with little kisses like he does now.
I struggle with the fear that he will one day wonder about his real dad again...
I struggle with the fear of how I should explain the birds and the bees to him...
I struggle with the fear that one day... I might be like my mother... a hard, angry person.
I struggle with the worry that illness or harm might fall upon him...
And I put all those fears in a little box, label them SILLY WORRIES and give them to the Lord.
I know that HE will take all of these curmpled little dreams and fears, wash them white as snow in his blood and iron them straight and right for me.
And now, I can enjoy the sunshine my son has brought into my life. The laughter and joy. Every hug and kiss, every night watching him sleep is worth the price of the journey of motherhood.
My key to trying to be a good parent?
"Fathers (I think it pts out to parents in general lah... I think my mum took it too literally that mothers were not included in this advice from the Bible), do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."
And that is what I will try to do every single day.
And if I am not a perfect mother? Well at least, my family will share the same perfect Father who makes it all right again by virtue of His grace
posted by As The Deer at 1/28/2006 12:36:00 AM
2 Comments:
hey babe, the best thing you can do for Kae right now is to let go and trust God. dun pack yourself with worry over something that God is in control of, cos whatever He does, it's perfect. =)
Stress, worry and so forth are sometimes a sign of the times. For a free MP3 that really helps release the presure and anxiety, go to www.mindmint.com. Use their pull down menu under free downloads. Thanks for the blog.
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